A Past Forgetten

Sometimes on our travels, we have the opportunity to visit a place where time stands still.  I’m doing just that right now.  As I pause with pad & pen while meandering down an old familiar yesteryear trail that is deep in the Appalachian Mountains of Eastern Kentucky.  I’m mesmerized by the scenery of my backyard woods, which hasn’t really changed at all from my childhood.  My reality is creeping further & further away as I’m engulfed in the moment!  Shoot, I haven’t been back to these woods since leaving one wet, sloshy morning January 3, 1984 to go to Navy bootcamp. 

Many a moon has passed with lots of peaks and valleys to get lost within from the choices that I made whether good or bad.  Blinded by the daily hustle and bustle, non-stop of doing this or that or whatever the case may be that drives me to a destiny that can only nourish my soul on the deepest level such as this.

Now here, I stand as an adult, hearing all the different sounds of nature that unexpectantly pierce my deafened ears!  Oh, what a long-forgotten echo of the past, now flooding my being.  Isn’t it eye awakening how we forget the senses of nature?

Smelling the sweet, sweet aroma of the crisp morning air blended in with the wind are hidden scents of wildflowers mixed with pinecones!  I found myself taking deep breaths, mumbling to myself, “Hmm, so yummy!”

Gazing upwards at the multi-colored leaves, so dense with hues that can only be appreciated the way it is meant to be, because of this moment.  The trees soaring above & beyond, as far as the eyes can see.  Specks of heaven peek out between the camouflaged limbs.  No artist could ever recreate these hues on any pallet ever!

I notice leaves dancing gracefully in midair.  Catching the wind, swirling about, twirling a whimsical dance with each other.  Seems like it was taking forever for the shower of colors to reach the ground.  The wind creating the craziest wonderment of a harmonious scenario between myself and the colorful cascade of leaves swishing and swooshing all around me.

My eyes automatically close as peace is permeating my soul once again.  Arms spread out, spinning faster & faster.  I’m making myself dizzy, living in the moment, I collapse on a bed of leaves to catch my breath.  I was in my own little world as I laid snuggly amongst the colors realizing I missed this lifestyle ever so much.  Suddenly, remembering the critters that crawled in the layers of leaves so, with a quick reflex, I popped up quicker than how I collapsed into them.   

Walking slowly on my beaten trail, my brothers and I trapsed down towards the riverbank long, long ago.  Regaining my senses, I’m giddy with excitement!  Watching all the small wild animals lead their self-defensive, yet care-free lives, as I’m making my way down Wells Hill! 

I’m once again perplexed how a bird can balance themselves high above on a very small branch.  Teetering & swaying in the autumn’s blustery wind, holding steadfast with super-bird strength.   He’s not even flinching, and I’m worn out just watching and wondering how he's accomplishing such a feat of strong point and balance                                                                                                                                    Families of squirrels are busy with their early morning chores.  They are hustling & bustling gathering and storing food with a mission which will be accomplished before winter!  Rabbits are peeking around the trees, scurrying and bopping about with determined hops from one destination to the next.

I find myself in complete harmony with my surroundings.  Taking in deeper breaths enjoying all the birds singing sweet melodies. The wind whistling tunes through the branches of all the trees no musician can duplicate the eerie melody of real time!  I have no other feelings than the peaceful tranquility which is soaking me from head to toe deep inside pushing out, being part of everything now!

I soon realize I need to start taking the time out to absorb all the little things in life we unknowingly forget.  Trying to bring back the old familiar ways of living I need to remember.  To forget, just for a moment my hurried & hustled life back in California.  I’m in my own little world as I go further and further into my past to help me with my future.  As I released what has been and what will be.

I found the big ole rock I used as my childhood stage as I practiced my lines for speech and drama competitions.  I would also spend hours trying to solve all the major childhood problems!  Once again, I’m now standing on the same exact old familiar smaller stone!  Chuckling to myself at the problems I remembered which were as big as the ole rock that has now shrunk down to size by my adult eyes.

I shake my head instinctively to get back into reality and step off the stone to make my way down to our old fishing hole just down the hill.  As I finally reach my destiny it looks like the same exact pebbles are laying there by the riverbank.  I begin tossing random stones in the Licking River; in doing so, peacefulness instantly turns to a pity party rage!  Wanting to go back in time, altering just a few mistakes I made; but, knowing for a fact, it can’t be done! I throw the stones harder and harder, I’m crazy, stupid upset that I can’t change my choices!  Acting the same way as a crying child, I allow my tears to cleanse my soul!

Feeling better as each tear fades away into the water’s edge.  Again, I gracefully toss another stone.  This time, concentrating on each ripple.  Each starts out with a tiny beginning all its own and as it travels, the larger ripple will eventually just fade away!

Realizing now, we create our own days for our own selves.  Thus, we can alter the future for our own benefit.  Based solely on the choices we make!  So, as the ripples makes their way gracefully through the rivers water, so should we!  Linking this reflection as a young adult with my early childhood past to all of my future self, I sigh and wipe my tears.  Which are now of relief!

As I make my way slowly back up the winding road I learned to drive a stick shift car on, I started laughing outload for no one to hear but myself.  I’ll never forget the little dark blue Omni that was my first car of my own.  Dad hollered out down the hall for me and my friend Barbara to come on down he needs to talk with both of us immediately.  We looked at each other as if one of us was in deep trouble.  So we dashed down the stairs to meet dad standing at the door with a set of keys and a big smile on his face.  Dropping the shiny metal key that dangled from his finger and landed smack dab in the middle of my hand.

With only the dim, worn out street light shimmering, we all made our way into the car. He went into his teaching mode and directed me to watch, follow and listen to his every direction as I drove down our curvy road that was all downhill.  He showed me the dynamics of the various motions and what body parts needed to do whatever it needed to do to make the car go forward or backward to stopping and going.

He made me do a u-turn at the bottom of the hill, completely stop.  He said, “Take a deep breath and relax for a minute.”  I looked back at Barbara and we both said at the same time, “Oh no!”  I could see the fear in her beautiful, glassy blue eyes.  All I could do was mind.  As we all buckled our seat belts and prayed, daddy smirked and simply said, “Get us home.”

Well now that road never looked so long as I sat in the pitch dark and never driving a stick shift before, my daddy patiently walked me through step by step as to what to do, when and how to do it as far as getting us up the very dangerous hill.  I was getting it down, then on the steepest part of the hill he ordered me to stop the car.  Just learning that I need to push in the clutch right with the brake to prevent the car from completely stopping the engine, I did so.  As I sat with my feet on the proper pedals, dad then started singing gospel hymns as he lit a cigarette.  He dragged a deep puff, blew it out the window and warned me this is the hardest part of driving a stick shift is stopping on a hill. That was the night Barbara started smoking cigarettes in front of dad.  Her and daddy smoked the rest of his pack of Winston’s as I figured out the flow of the clutch, brake and gas in the pitch dark. 

For the next half hour it really was touch and go because on one side was a drop down 200 foot cliff and on the other was a wall of a cliff.  This little blue car was barely in the middle of both on a narrow, curvy gravel road.  With dad singing more loudly, Nearer to God to Thee, we finally made it up the hill and to the house.

Remembering that memory as I made my way up the same exact road that now had a thin layer of worn-out blacktop.  Passing by old neighbor’s houses.  Remembering our laughter and conversations with my best neighborhood friend Mary.  I can’t even count how many times we teeter tottered on the makeshift see-saw.  Seeing the same exact plum trees Jeanette and Carl would let me pick to eat right off the tree.    

With each step I take, there was yet another memory of what happened on the hill I’m trudging up.  Shivers run down my spine as I walked by where my brother Billy’s loyal dog Brownie laid dead from being ran over.  We buried her in the backyard with a funeral.  I even played Taps on my recorder for her.  Then the spot not far from there where my mom urgently hollered out for me, Billy and Steve to run back to the house as fast as we can cause there was a copperhead snake as long as what the road was wide! 

I faintly heard my brother Steve’s voice in my head as I remembered our conversations to and from his favorite fishing hole.  Slowing my stride on the last part of the steep hill where I wrecked my bike while attempting to ride in the ice and snow.  I stop to catch my breath and chuckled because, shoot fire, my mom dug out some gravel bits out of my forehead that left a scar for years.

As I made it closer to the house my parents built just for us, I remembered a lot of ups and downs of my past.  Now back at my yard, I stand on that “BIG OLE ROCK” one last time, I take one final look at me!  Pausing just for a moment, I realized how much I needed to remember the past that can’t be changed.  No matter how much we want to forget and never able to in any lifetime.  The past is the past!  So what can you do other than change the future by consciously making the right choices based on what God needs and not what I want.  Praying, I thank God for bringing my past to a head!  I then look beyond the beautiful rolling hills of West Liberty.  Smiling to myself while I look forward to the new memories that are in store for me!